Day 3 of Left Open, Club Leftist Tennis’ daily leftist coverage of the 2022 US Open.
One of the most important aspects of being a revolutionary is, of course, being stylish. Imagine Mao without his Zhongshan suit, or the Black Panthers without their leather coats and berets. Hard to imagine the same success, no?
Unfortunately, capitalist fashion designers have taken note, and in order to suppress any organized rebellions or spontaneous uprisings at their precious US Open, have accordingly made the vast majority of their official clothing look like shit. Much of this stems from their overall branding, which mainly seems to model itself after particularly swagless credit card ads. Not only is most tournament gear not cool, it’s offensively boring.
However there is one good thing that capitalism still proves exceptionally good at churning out—useless crap. While the US Open’s inefficient and wasteful productive capacity pumps out ever-uglier clothing, leftists looking to reclaim and represent the tournament can look backwards. The past is alive in eBay’s strange assortment of knick-knacks, which leftists can shop to accent their otherwise fashionable fits or decorate their ecoterrorist sleeper cell’s safe house. Besides, the act of recycling vintage items is very leftist.
Here are eight recommendations for vintage US Open gear available on eBay—they’re possibly stylish, depending on your taste and leftist tendency of choice, but impossible to find boring.
Official 2003 US Open George Foreman Grill—$49.99
Our first item not only provides a functional use (grilling) for our more practically-minded leftists, but also a litany of questions for our more philosophical comrades, questions like: Why was this made? Who was this for? Did people buy this at the tournament and lug it around all day? Grill yourself a nutritious dinner and contemplate the mysteries of the capitalist mode of production…
Of course you’ll need to wash down your delicious meal with a delicious wine… and what says good taste more than a stamping glass with a logo best suited to a failed fintech startup? Other sports have commemorative plastic cups—tennis has wine glasses. While clearly initially intended for tennis’ hoity-toity country club audience, for an affordable price you can liberate luxury and redistribute it to the masses.
While this fanning paddle featuring tennis star/sex symbol Anna Kournikova is no doubt a fun collectors item, be sure to examine the darker undertones here. As this archived ESPN piece (which accuses her of taking “cues from MTV, Madonna and Camille Paglia”) notes, the commodification of her image is directly linked to the capitalist hellscape of post-Soviet Russia in which she was raised. Use it to keep yourself cool at the Open, sure, but also contemplate the horror of the capitalist coup that ended the Soviet Union despite the vote of over 80% of its citizens in 1991. Since the paddle technically is advertising kournikova.com, you can also reminisce on the chaos of the dot com boom, in which celebrities thought it was important to have their own website.
Special Edition 2001 US Open MetroCards—$14.99
What’s the most leftist way to get to the US Open? Duh, the 7 train. So grab these MetroCards for you and your Grundrisse reading group to reminisce about the exuberant hope you had for the rising crop of American tennis stars at the turn of the millenium. Feel free to flex your nostalgic cards on the other leftist subway riders too.
2016 Sequin Bedazzled Hat—$9.99
Enough with merch tailored to Westchester WASPs—tennis is lit and so is this hat. A sport so associated with wealth is long overdue to be represented in accurately gaudy excess. Plus if you wear it to the Open, light glinting off the sequins might just catch the eye of the capitalist reactionary player you’re rooting against, causing them to double fault.
Temporarily discarding the no-clothing rule because Y2K style is too hot right now to not mention this shirt. While the tournament’s “ball on fire” logo usually looks as flaccid and lifeless as liberalism, leave it to the era of extreme sports to pump in some actual energy. If the game is serious about advertising to Gen Z, fuck all the 2D designs, bring back sick ass graphic tees.
John McEnroe Heineken Directors Chair—$125
Listen—we get it. While we stand for a world with no bosses, sometimes you just want to feel like one. Enter this director’s chair, celebrating one of tennis’ most iconic brats. Sit back in it and vent out all your individualist frustrations, before returning to your position in the Party apparatchik with a renewed commitment to collectivity.
Labor Pins
IBEW Union—$33
USPS—$28
If there’s one thing that communists have always excelled at, it’s pins. Surprisingly, the US Open seems to as well. There are tons of cool pins worth searching for, but only two deserving of a CLT co-sign. These two pins celebrate the USPS (for “serving” Queen) and the IBEW electrical workers that work on the US Tennis Center. At the Open this Labor Day, try rocking these appreciations of organized labor.