Italy is known for many performance enhancers: the famed Mediterranean Diet which has been proven to lower your chances of cardiovascular disease, fashionable clothing which enhances a person’s looks, luxury automobiles that get you from place to place with style and speed, and of course, the ever energizing morning espresso. But according to some critics of current world number one Jannick Sinner, something else should be added to that list, clostebol.
Since our leading Italian has been accused of doping, a number of reactionaries such as Kyrgios and Shapovalov have ramped up their attacks, sensing a moment of weakness for Italian worker-player power.
To discuss this issue and its potential implications for the Tennis Left, an Italian member of the CLT comintern sat down with ATP Insider and fixture of the Italian American tennis community, Jackson Frons.
CLT Paisan: Buonasera Jackson. I wish it were under better circumstances, but grazie for making the time to speak with us tonight.
ATP Insider: I’m honored to be here, although, of course, I’m saddened by the occasion. My heart goes out to all the disappointed tennis leftists, especially those from our ancestral home of Italy.
CLT Paisan: Since we last spoke about the state of Italian tennis in 2022, a lot has changed. In fact, I would even venture that our prediction of a new golden age has come true.
ATP Insider: Without a doubt. Nine of the world’s top 100 men are Italian. Musetti reached the Wimbledon Semi. Luca Nardi beat Novak at Indian Wells. But of course the real star of Italian tennis is Jannik Sinner. In Australia he captured our nation’s first men’s slam of the Open Era and he even snatched the number one ranking from Djokovic. Unfortunately, that rise has now been marred by the revelations that in March he tested positive twice for Clostebol.
As you can imagine, this has sparked a host of questions–Did he actually dope? Was the Clostebol D.O.P. certified? Is Jannik Sinner even Italian?
CLT Paisan: Let’s address the elephant in the room, even without doping, Italians have many natural advantages over other players on the tour (more handsome, closer relationships with their mothers, alleged connections with organized crime) so there’s naturally going to be a target on the back of someone like Jannik Sinner.
ATP Insider: I couldn’t agree more. And, as it particularly pertains to our current situation, I’d mention that that list should also include a penchant for lying to authorities and blaming corrupt bureaucratic workers for personal failures. Let’s just say his alibi raises some red flags.
However, as you know, I’ve long questioned Sinner’s Italian bonafides. When he was winning slams, I was prepared to bury the hatchet, but now I’m not so sure…
CLT Paisan: Well, I want to call the origin of this substance into question. You and I have both been to Italy many times, and can both attest to the quality of products in the country. I’ve watched fresh mozzarella made right under a cow in Tuscany. How could a synthetic substance like this even end up in Sinner’s diet?
ATP Insider: I tell you why things like this are happening and it’s because the players aren’t drinking enough natural wine.
CLT Paisan: A great point. But let’s remember that this same man withdrew from the Olympics due to tonsillitis, likely caused by this so-called “performance enhancer.”. Italians have very sensitive stomachs and any small disturbance to their diets can have catastrophic effects on their entire bodies. Clostebol (which does not sound Italian at all) is not something that any Italian I know would willingly ingest, knowing the consequences. If we can’t handle lactose, what makes you think that our fragile bodies could handle an anabolic steroid? There’s a reason why I won’t touch any dairy products from the US, who knows what chemicals they put in there! Marone!
ATP Insider: I agree that this entire scandal is un-Italian. This situation reeks, instead, of the Germanic depravity found in the worlds of skiing and cycling. Sinner’s excuses, too, seem straight out of the Tour de France handbook, and need I mention, our “Italian” friend was a long time competitive skier? Jannik Sinner is a fine tennis player. A fine Swiss tennis player.
CLT Paisan: But let’s be materialist here. Obviously stripping $325,000 in prize money away from an Italian (that is what his passaporto says) represents a massive transfer of wealth out of the Global South. Where did that money go? Certainly not into the pockets of other worker-players.
ATP Insider: This brings me nicely to my proposed solution to this dilemma. I believe the entire fine should be re-distributed away from both Jannik Sinner and the ATP. I propose that the $325,000 go toward the establishment of a truly Italian tennis academy in Palermo. A school of leftist Sicilian tennis where players will not only study the forehand, but they will also read copious amounts of theory, and feast on arancini and caponata.
CLT Paisan: Unfortunately, I think the sad truth is that Italian players like Lorenzo Musetti, who could never be mistaken for any other ethnicity, are going to have to be much more careful going forward. If I were him, I would keep a close eye on the guest list for Sunday dinner at Nonna’s. Someone with a vendetta could easily sneak some human growth hormone into the sauce.
ATP Insider: I’ve actually been hearing reports from New York that Fabio Fognini needs to witness the opening of any bottle of Brunello that passes his lips and that Matteo Berrettini is only touching unfamiliar DJ decks with gloved hands.
CLT Paisan: Che piacere vederti, Jackson! Talk soon.
Swiss? He’s from South Tyrolia, a former territory of Austria. As you learned in Leftist School, in 1914 a bunch of corrupt bourgeoise regimes and decaying monarchies got into an enormous war. Italy happened to be on the winning side and received South Tyrolia as their reward.